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Unable to include file. Unable to include file.Unable to include file. Unable to include file. Gaming Evolution - Features
Gaming Evolution
Gaming Evolution
Beware:
  • This article is for people with a sense of humor. If you don't have one, don't continue reading.

  • Also, this isn't a normal cutscene. PRESS A!! PRESS A!!!



THE TOP TEN REASONS THE WII IS A DANGER TO YOU!!!


This is an exclusive scoop directly from Sony's HQ! After targeting the XBox 360, Sony has revealed to the world; which the world would be astonished by, the dangers the Wii posses to you and your children... YOUR CHILDREN! I, however, have found such report and now I'm going to present it to you.

If you have the stomach to read it, that is...

PS: None of those risks apply to people with moustaches.

10 Carpal Tunnel Syndrome

Your hand has one of greatest concentration of nerves and muscles - and all that stuff must pass through a relatively small area, that is your wrist. The carpal tunnel syndrome is when the median nerve is compressed at the wrist causing symptoms like tingling, numbness, night time wakening, pain, coldness, and sometimes weakness in parts of the hand. Using a remote control (or the Wiimote) is one of those things that compress the median nerve! Watch out!! :O

Danger Level: Your hand will fall. It will hurt. You will cry. Older kids will make fun of your pain.


9 Zelda

How Zelda can be dangerous, you ask?

My goodness, man! Were you living under a rock when Ocarina of Time came out? It was a disaster!! People stopped working, girlfriends were ignored and families even forgot about you the kid that has never exited his room ever since he got Zelda. Even worse: reports from Canada tell about kids that played Zelda so much, they didn't notice the ferocious bloodthirsty Grizzly Bears behind them!

Danger Level: It will kill your social life! It will kill your children!


8 Cable Strangle

"But hey! The controller is wireless!!"

Yes, it is. Which make it even more deadly, because you are free to strangle anyone you want...with the cable that links the Wiimote to the Nunchunk!! Imagine this: you are playing Super Smash Bros and winning all the time. Your friend starts getting jealous and angry for continually receiving such a beating.

...the last thing you remember is seeing your friend's reflection on the TV screen; he was holding the controller over your head...then everything turned black....FOREVER!

Danger Level: Pretty high. The only thing that controller needs to be even more dangerous is the ability to fire bullets and a sharp blade or two.


7 Wii Connect 24

Always online, even when you sleep. Sounds like an Orwellian novel to me!

Big Brother Reggie. Always watching. Always vigilant. Praise other consoles or complain about Nintendo being "kiddie" and the Thought Police will be sent after you. Post something negative at Nsider and the Wii will know. It will connect to Nsider, read your mischievious pos and severely punish you. Like HAL 2001, the Wii will kill you at night, by tuning your life support systems off while you are in your cryogenic sleep.

War is peace. Love is hate. Wii is INGSOC.

Danger Level: More dangerous than the stuff you read in 1984 or watched in 2001: A Space Odyssey


6 Non Detailed Graphics

Yes, simpler graphics CAN be dangerous. Especially if you experiment them right after playing a game like Gears of Wars. Simply put, it would will require more imagination to give meaning to the graphical cues you see on the TV screen. This happen because simpler graphics require greater mental abstraction to be processed inside your mind. Such abstraction will require a tremendous amount of blood to oxygenize your brain the blood flux will increase so much and so fast it would only led to one thing.

Head explosion.

Danger Level: It's is said that arcane graphics not only causes head exploding syndromes, but also instant combustion



5 David Hasselhoff

Known for his disgusting chest air and legs that transform into motorized propellers when he needs to (see Spongebob Squarepants, the Movie for reference), the German legend (even though he was born in the US) is a danger to everyone that owns a Nintendo Wii. Why? He also sings. You do not want to hear him singing. How does that relate to the Wii? Turn your Wii on and look at the window. The Hoff will be there...


Danger Level: He's like Chuck Norris, but completely evil and completely German. Is that dangerous enough for you?


4 The Wii's Size

Seriously, what were the engineers thinking when they designed the Wii? That thing it too small! And you know what happens with precious things that are small, right?

Children will eat it!!
CHILDREN WILL EAT THE WII AND DIE!!!!

Will someone please think of the children?
Will someone please think of the children???

Danger Level: Children are the future. The Wii can kill the future.


3 Waving your arms senseless

Wal-Mart was right to fear for kids getting hurt or injuring others in the process of flailing his arms around when playing the Wii, especially if you play the Wii in the kitchen. That's an accident begging to happen. Face it, the Wii is a death trap. When you least expect it, law suit from people getting hit by people swinging their arms senseless will soar.

Danger Level: Last time someone swung their arms close to me, it ended up hitting the bottle I was holding, which hit my tooth. That's why dentists will be the only ones who will benefit from the Wii


2 Grizzly Bears

Bears are soulless, rampaging killing machines. For years, ravenous bears have had free rein to use our woods as their personal latrine, protected by their "endangered" status. And they are after our kids they're tender, juicy, and you don't even have to throw away the bones. Bears know how kids will all gather at the Wii's launch on game stores world wide. It'll be the perfect opportunity and the end of the world as we know it.


Danger Level: They are godless killing machines! The word "danger" is an euphemism while talking about bears



And the #1 reason the Wii is a menace to you...




1 Pointy Edges

Yes, pointy edges. Men's first and most resilient nemesis throughout history.

And the Wii is filled with them many disguised as "rounded" edges that are just waiting for some impalement fun. It's shaped like a quadrangle, isn't it? It has corners, doesn't it? So it's a dangerous and lethal tool of DOOM.


Hear my advice, people. The Wii may be cheaper, but that's because it's dangerous! Is $250 a reasonable price for... YOUR LIFE?

Danger Level: Obviously self-explanatory


Written By: Necros

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